life

Hot shame and cross blogging

/ autumncircles / 2 Comments

In this new world of blogging and having blogging friends and commenting acquaintances, I, too, felt some flashes of hot shame while reading others comments.

One in particular caught me as I read a friends blog that referred to my blog and the comments posted on it.  It triggered that flash of hot flaming shame I know only too well and struggle daily to keep under wraps.

There buried in the numerous comments from her fans was a remark that flushed me with that same flash of red over my head and down to my toes as if the person screamed it in my face hoping to get me to move.

“..so carefully constructed it was clear the author was taking few risks…”

Had she read my blog entries?  Was she writing about me?  Why does it bother me?  Of course I edit and change and exaggerate to bring my warped sensibilities to the small world I call mine.  From there cascaded a shame attack and run of what I’d written through my head.

I’ll show them, I thought, I’ll just write – unedited for 15 minutes and see where it gets me.

And that is what I am doing right now.  Writing plain and simple from my head to my fingers to my keyboard without hitting the delete key or backstroke – unless I misspell hte wodr.  (hahaha)

I set a timer and promised myself to do this at least once – not go back and sensor myself.  However, in doing so, I find little to write about.  I want so much to take these plain words from my lips and make them unique and flowered like Texas bluebonnet hills beside busy highways.

It’s the writer’s greatest dream, isn’t it?  To achieve absolution from all of the soul searching and human angst with a few strokes of a pen or taps on a keyboard.

6 minutes left.

My brain works much faster than I a can possibly keep up with in reality.  I certainly hope that I can spill out what is inside into a jumbled mess on white paper and then go back like a jigsaw puzzle to make sense out of it, rearrange it, alter it, give it a make over, and make it more enjoyable for someone else to relate to in some fashion.

I find it hard to believe that anyone could actually like the way I write without this added layer of cut and paste.  Maybe that is my old insecurities rearing their not-too-attractive head inside my much too comfortable skin these days.  I still, after all these years, want people to like me.  Like what I do.  Like what I say.

3:45

The other comments referred to Buddha and struggle and joy being one in the same (my paraphrase – remember, I cannot go back and check or fix).  If this is true, me and Buddha are tight.  There are moments when the joy I feel is so intense that a small pain erupts in my chest.  My daughter’s eyes.  Her giant, brown eyes that seem to go on forever.  My son’s smile – the one he lets me see only by chance anymore because he is trying to be so grown up, so tough at nine.

These are joys and they pang my heart.  Can you imagine what I make of my actual struggles?

Only a minute to go now…

I cannot even perform this exercise without trying to do it “correctly” – constantly checking my time to see if I’ve “cheated.”  What the fuck is wrong with my brain that I won’t let this totally go?  Will it be gone when it’s my time in heaven?  What if I don’t believe there is a heaven or hell?

Uh-oh…time’s up…

Will have to leave the rest for another post.

I guess I don’t type as fast at I thought.

(And, yes, these last four lines were typed outside of my self-imposed 15 minute timer…;o)

Ant and the Universe

/ autumncircles / 1 Comment

Once upon a time, there was a mostly happy ant who lived in a mostly happy sector of the universe.

The ant had everything it needed to live its happy little life – a home, plenty of sweets and other ants to love and be loved by.

Being a part of the universe was very important to this ant and more often than not, the ant felt very strong and capable to participate in all that needed to be done to keep the universe going.

There were moments though, when the ant’s faith faltered.  The ant seemed to get a glimpse outside of its universe to see the bigger universe in which it also lived.

That was scary for this little ant.  It made the ant want to huddle up within its home, hide all of its sweets and not let the other ants it loved and was loved by out of its sight.

That, of course, was not possible.  The ant had work to do to help keep its home and it had to share its sweets in order to continue receiving them.  The ant’s loved ones had their own lives, too, no matter how old they were or how much the ant loved them or they loved the ant.

The ant understood this in its head, but sometimes the ant’s feelers would get confused and the ant’s feelings would by-pass the head down to the very center of its trunk.  Then its trunk would begin to ache and try to send feelings back to its feelers for guidance.

The ant’s head would get in the way and not let the feelings out.  They would bottle up behind the ant’s eye and as a result, its pinchers would tighten and its claws would sharpen.  Tight pinchers and sharp claws made it difficult for the ant to work to keep its home, enjoy its sweets and even love and be loved.

This happened off and on for the ant over many years of living in its universe.  And being so small, a few days or hours could seem like a lifetime for this ant.  It was during these times the ant would get very lonely and wonder if it really belonged in its home or deserved its sweets.  The ant went so far as to question the love that was in its life.

But the ant was not able to express how lonely it got  and would only ask these questions inside, not to other ants.  For when the ant got so very lonely and felt so very small, its fear of not being happy at all anymore was stronger than its trust in the greater good of its life.

The ant would go to bed each night and try to remember all of the wonderfulness it had in its life and universe.  It would wake up each morning hoping to remember that its home was safe, its sweets were precious and its love divine.

Usually the universe helped the ant and gave tiny ant-sized signs to remind it that it was, is and always will be a most beloved and integral part of not only its universe but also the universe in which its universe lived.

And the one beyond that, too.

Eating, Swimming and the many fears inbetween

/ autumncircles / Leave a comment

I ate too much at lunch today.

Then, just when my stomach finally no longer felt painfully full, I sought and scarfed a chocolate covered bear claw.

My son had swim practice tonight and I decided I needed to go and walk the lazy river to compensate for the massive amounts of food.

That meant putting on a bathing suit during winter and exposing holiday blubber to the world.

I tried not to think about my thighs as I quickly slipped into the water to cover them.

I hoped my husband, or any other man at the pool, didn’t get that veiled look in his eyes that screams to me of “if only she’d lose about ten pounds and buy some breasts, she’d be hot.”

I managed to enjoy the time watching my children be children instead of arguing with them about getting their homework done.  My husband smiled at me as I walked towards him out of the pool.  I received no looks of disdain or disgust from anyone at my daring attempt to parade around as if I believed my body was pleasant to look at.

All in all – a good trip to the Nat…