In this new world of blogging and having blogging friends and commenting acquaintances, I, too, felt some flashes of hot shame while reading others comments.
One in particular caught me as I read a friends blog that referred to my blog and the comments posted on it. It triggered that flash of hot flaming shame I know only too well and struggle daily to keep under wraps.
There buried in the numerous comments from her fans was a remark that flushed me with that same flash of red over my head and down to my toes as if the person screamed it in my face hoping to get me to move.
“..so carefully constructed it was clear the author was taking few risks…”
Had she read my blog entries? Was she writing about me? Why does it bother me? Of course I edit and change and exaggerate to bring my warped sensibilities to the small world I call mine. From there cascaded a shame attack and run of what I’d written through my head.
I’ll show them, I thought, I’ll just write – unedited for 15 minutes and see where it gets me.
And that is what I am doing right now. Writing plain and simple from my head to my fingers to my keyboard without hitting the delete key or backstroke – unless I misspell hte wodr. (hahaha)
I set a timer and promised myself to do this at least once – not go back and sensor myself. However, in doing so, I find little to write about. I want so much to take these plain words from my lips and make them unique and flowered like Texas bluebonnet hills beside busy highways.
It’s the writer’s greatest dream, isn’t it? To achieve absolution from all of the soul searching and human angst with a few strokes of a pen or taps on a keyboard.
6 minutes left.
My brain works much faster than I a can possibly keep up with in reality. I certainly hope that I can spill out what is inside into a jumbled mess on white paper and then go back like a jigsaw puzzle to make sense out of it, rearrange it, alter it, give it a make over, and make it more enjoyable for someone else to relate to in some fashion.
I find it hard to believe that anyone could actually like the way I write without this added layer of cut and paste. Maybe that is my old insecurities rearing their not-too-attractive head inside my much too comfortable skin these days. I still, after all these years, want people to like me. Like what I do. Like what I say.
The other comments referred to Buddha and struggle and joy being one in the same (my paraphrase – remember, I cannot go back and check or fix). If this is true, me and Buddha are tight. There are moments when the joy I feel is so intense that a small pain erupts in my chest. My daughter’s eyes. Her giant, brown eyes that seem to go on forever. My son’s smile – the one he lets me see only by chance anymore because he is trying to be so grown up, so tough at nine.
These are joys and they pang my heart. Can you imagine what I make of my actual struggles?
Only a minute to go now…
I cannot even perform this exercise without trying to do it “correctly” – constantly checking my time to see if I’ve “cheated.” What the fuck is wrong with my brain that I won’t let this totally go? Will it be gone when it’s my time in heaven? What if I don’t believe there is a heaven or hell?
Will have to leave the rest for another post.
I guess I don’t type as fast at I thought.
(And, yes, these last four lines were typed outside of my self-imposed 15 minute timer…;o)