things left unsaid

Ant and the Universe

/ autumncircles / 1 Comment

Once upon a time, there was a mostly happy ant who lived in a mostly happy sector of the universe.

The ant had everything it needed to live its happy little life – a home, plenty of sweets and other ants to love and be loved by.

Being a part of the universe was very important to this ant and more often than not, the ant felt very strong and capable to participate in all that needed to be done to keep the universe going.

There were moments though, when the ant’s faith faltered.  The ant seemed to get a glimpse outside of its universe to see the bigger universe in which it also lived.

That was scary for this little ant.  It made the ant want to huddle up within its home, hide all of its sweets and not let the other ants it loved and was loved by out of its sight.

That, of course, was not possible.  The ant had work to do to help keep its home and it had to share its sweets in order to continue receiving them.  The ant’s loved ones had their own lives, too, no matter how old they were or how much the ant loved them or they loved the ant.

The ant understood this in its head, but sometimes the ant’s feelers would get confused and the ant’s feelings would by-pass the head down to the very center of its trunk.  Then its trunk would begin to ache and try to send feelings back to its feelers for guidance.

The ant’s head would get in the way and not let the feelings out.  They would bottle up behind the ant’s eye and as a result, its pinchers would tighten and its claws would sharpen.  Tight pinchers and sharp claws made it difficult for the ant to work to keep its home, enjoy its sweets and even love and be loved.

This happened off and on for the ant over many years of living in its universe.  And being so small, a few days or hours could seem like a lifetime for this ant.  It was during these times the ant would get very lonely and wonder if it really belonged in its home or deserved its sweets.  The ant went so far as to question the love that was in its life.

But the ant was not able to express how lonely it got  and would only ask these questions inside, not to other ants.  For when the ant got so very lonely and felt so very small, its fear of not being happy at all anymore was stronger than its trust in the greater good of its life.

The ant would go to bed each night and try to remember all of the wonderfulness it had in its life and universe.  It would wake up each morning hoping to remember that its home was safe, its sweets were precious and its love divine.

Usually the universe helped the ant and gave tiny ant-sized signs to remind it that it was, is and always will be a most beloved and integral part of not only its universe but also the universe in which its universe lived.

And the one beyond that, too.

The things I don’t say, stay with me the longest

/ autumncircles / Leave a comment

I have forgotten what I have said in more conversations I have had with other people than I probably have hairs on my head. And not just the simple conversations where I talk with the checkout clerk at the grocery store or miscellaneous ones with my girlfriends in times of venting. Many important discussions that effected my life, marriage and/or children have all more or less escaped me once completed and resolved.

I don’t remember having a conversation with my friend in which I agreed that we should both transfer out of the schools we were going to and get an apartment together at University of North Texas where I not only eventually graduated, but met my husband. With the exception of my last career move, I don’t remember any of the times I quit jobs and only remember snippets of the interviews that got me there. I must have said something memorable, because I left on good terms with all of my employers and was hired after each interview. I have only the foggiest memory of the discussion with my husband to move back home from New York, but we must have because here we are in Texas.

I am getting more used to the randomness of my brain’s storage when it comes to memories, but I cannot seem to escape the loop I put myself in when I chose to NOT say something out loud when necessary. The conversations I have in my head with the various people that connect with me in this life do not seem to want to fade away like the ones where I actually said what was on my mind do. The questions I want to ask but never utter a sound out of my place of power stay around like angry graffiti able to survive a fierce power wash. All of the times I have refrained from speaking my truth linger in the not-to-distant background of my daily interactions and relationships.

It is not to late to begin living in the truth by using the voice I have so often suppressed.

“Please don’t make fun of me.”

“I would rather not have this discussion.”

“I cannot help you.”

“Do you still love me?”

“I am a good person and this doesn’t change that.”

“No formula.”

“Yes, I can.”

“This is not okay with me.”

“Would you please just stop bitching about everything?”

“No.”

“Why would you say something like that to me?”

“Please leave.”

“Please stay.”

“I am leaving.”

“I am staying.”

“For God’s sake – put your blinker on and don’t use a dish towel as a napkin!”

“I love you.”

There’s a good start…now I’ll have to test my atrophied vocal cords in real time…