The things I don’t say, stay with me the longest

I have forgotten what I have said in more conversations I have had with other people than I probably have hairs on my head. And not just the simple conversations where I talk with the checkout clerk at the grocery store or miscellaneous ones with my girlfriends in times of venting. Many important discussions that effected my life, marriage and/or children have all more or less escaped me once completed and resolved.

I don’t remember having a conversation with my friend in which I agreed that we should both transfer out of the schools we were going to and get an apartment together at University of North Texas where I not only eventually graduated, but met my husband. With the exception of my last career move, I don’t remember any of the times I quit jobs and only remember snippets of the interviews that got me there. I must have said something memorable, because I left on good terms with all of my employers and was hired after each interview. I have only the foggiest memory of the discussion with my husband to move back home from New York, but we must have because here we are in Texas.

I am getting more used to the randomness of my brain’s storage when it comes to memories, but I cannot seem to escape the loop I put myself in when I chose to NOT say something out loud when necessary. The conversations I have in my head with the various people that connect with me in this life do not seem to want to fade away like the ones where I actually said what was on my mind do. The questions I want to ask but never utter a sound out of my place of power stay around like angry graffiti able to survive a fierce power wash. All of the times I have refrained from speaking my truth linger in the not-to-distant background of my daily interactions and relationships.

It is not to late to begin living in the truth by using the voice I have so often suppressed.

“Please don’t make fun of me.”

“I would rather not have this discussion.”

“I cannot help you.”

“Do you still love me?”

“I am a good person and this doesn’t change that.”

“No formula.”

“Yes, I can.”

“This is not okay with me.”

“Would you please just stop bitching about everything?”

“No.”

“Why would you say something like that to me?”

“Please leave.”

“Please stay.”

“I am leaving.”

“I am staying.”

“For God’s sake – put your blinker on and don’t use a dish towel as a napkin!”

“I love you.”

There’s a good start…now I’ll have to test my atrophied vocal cords in real time…

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