fears

Ant and the Universe

/ autumncircles / 1 Comment

Once upon a time, there was a mostly happy ant who lived in a mostly happy sector of the universe.

The ant had everything it needed to live its happy little life – a home, plenty of sweets and other ants to love and be loved by.

Being a part of the universe was very important to this ant and more often than not, the ant felt very strong and capable to participate in all that needed to be done to keep the universe going.

There were moments though, when the ant’s faith faltered.  The ant seemed to get a glimpse outside of its universe to see the bigger universe in which it also lived.

That was scary for this little ant.  It made the ant want to huddle up within its home, hide all of its sweets and not let the other ants it loved and was loved by out of its sight.

That, of course, was not possible.  The ant had work to do to help keep its home and it had to share its sweets in order to continue receiving them.  The ant’s loved ones had their own lives, too, no matter how old they were or how much the ant loved them or they loved the ant.

The ant understood this in its head, but sometimes the ant’s feelers would get confused and the ant’s feelings would by-pass the head down to the very center of its trunk.  Then its trunk would begin to ache and try to send feelings back to its feelers for guidance.

The ant’s head would get in the way and not let the feelings out.  They would bottle up behind the ant’s eye and as a result, its pinchers would tighten and its claws would sharpen.  Tight pinchers and sharp claws made it difficult for the ant to work to keep its home, enjoy its sweets and even love and be loved.

This happened off and on for the ant over many years of living in its universe.  And being so small, a few days or hours could seem like a lifetime for this ant.  It was during these times the ant would get very lonely and wonder if it really belonged in its home or deserved its sweets.  The ant went so far as to question the love that was in its life.

But the ant was not able to express how lonely it got  and would only ask these questions inside, not to other ants.  For when the ant got so very lonely and felt so very small, its fear of not being happy at all anymore was stronger than its trust in the greater good of its life.

The ant would go to bed each night and try to remember all of the wonderfulness it had in its life and universe.  It would wake up each morning hoping to remember that its home was safe, its sweets were precious and its love divine.

Usually the universe helped the ant and gave tiny ant-sized signs to remind it that it was, is and always will be a most beloved and integral part of not only its universe but also the universe in which its universe lived.

And the one beyond that, too.

Now I’m wondering what I started?

/ autumncircles / 1 Comment

I wanted to enter into an agreement with myself and the universe about writing as much as I can every day. So, I started this blog.

Then I made the mistake of wondering about protecting the work that I produce here. How do I stop folks from stealing it? Not that I think what I write will be in such high demand, but apparently after reading many other posts – that’s just what people do. They steal other folks’ blogs.

All of the sudden my new home to freely express myself has become a place of potential danger and fear.

Will it stop me from writing? I hope not.

There are things I want to write about, opinions I want to express that my daily life has no room for, and stories only I can tell.

Like the one about the little girl who only remembers her older brother’s face from the few moments before they closed the coffin lid. And how she let that affect her entire life.

Or the one about the same girl who felt the presence of what could only be described as God so profoundly it was almost tangible. And then she turned away from it for the next twenty-five years.

There’s the many stories about the woman she became that raced through life, used many means possible to escape the empty pit inside, and found the beauty again through the eyes of her own children and numerous dark nights of the soul.

When not binge-feeding on angst, I have a fairly wicked sense of humor not only about things that happen around me but also those that happen to me. Wait until you hear the one about my video urodynamic screening! What a hoot that day was!

But, before I can do that, I have to wrestle the demon fear once again and trust that I am protected in the universe. Those who are supposed to read my works, will. And those who intend to steal it will eventually have their own karmic demons to fight.

Not to mention, I have write a very clear copyright statement (see “Copyright Notice” page).