personal

ABOMO – Take Two

/ autumncircles / Leave a comment

Forgive me, Universe.  It’s been many months since my last post.  I lost track.  I got scared.  Who was reading you?  Would they say something to me?  What am I writing about?  Why am I writing?  I know, a cardinal sin for a writer to commit – questioning the purpose of words on a page.

So, I began an affair.  I have been putting parts of myself out onto Facebook where I know there are people who love me.  It’s easier in a comfort zone to be consistent about updates and sound-bites for status. There is a limit to characters on what anyone is doing or feeling or saying.  A false freedom amidst conveniently confined posts.

All the while, backlogs of emotions, tirades, deeper meanings, hidden truths, soap-box rants, totally biased opinions and eviseratingly verbose releases have taken their toll on the previous deconstruction of my impenetrable great wall.  The wall has subtly begun a phoenix-like rise among the disconnected pieces of my life.

This is not to say that my life is going badly or that it sucks.  Quite the contrary – there are more wonderful things today than there ever have been:

  • A loving family with two beautiful, healthy and intelligent children who continue to amaze me everyday.
  • A marriage and relationship that continues to withstand the tests of time, monotony, and the daily grind.
  • A new puppy!
  • Enduring, evolving, reconnecting with old and finding new friendships.
  • A career shift and definable boost in opportunity and growth.
  • The most historical Presidential campaign and election many generations have ever seen!  (Yeah!!)

Exciting stuff, right?!  It is and I am truly more grateful than I have ever been.

Do you hear it?

“And yet…”

Can you decipher the buried grumbling?

“But still…”

It’s not much, but it’s there – aching body parts, restless sleep, disproportionate reactions to relatively insignificant incidents, and selective bouts of the dreaded lack-n-worry combination.

“Will there be enough money for Christmas AND the new air conditioner we need for the house?”

“Why is my body doing that, now, after all I’ve done to try and repair it?”

“When will there ever be time to accomplish everything I am supposedly, supposed to to accomplish in one waking day?  Nurturing and caring for the kids, being present with my husband, focusing on work, cleaning the house, walking the dog, spiritual ritual, give/receive love, dance class, swim practice, washing my car, Christmas shopping, balancing the checkbook, homework upkeep, keeping in touch with my friends and family, volunteering, grocery shopping, cooking, eating, participating in the democratic process, sleeping, exercising my body, resuming my theater career, being brutally honest with the universe, updating Facebook, developing the perfect haiku, and writing my ever existent, constantly neglected blog.”

Are there really, truly, honestly humans out there that actually DO all of these things and check off the day as a success without yelling, crying, screaming and/or whining?  Seriously?!  Where the hell are they?  Can they show me a fool-proof way to get it done that doesn’t involve adding one more $^&@ing thing to the schedule?  NO reading books or attending group therapy?!  Forget the cliches, Nike slogans and fear-mongering!  I won’t take drugs, toast away the blues, or hire a nanny/housekeeper/counselor/accountant/gigolo/spiritual adviser/handy man.

Whew!

Dear Santa – How are you?  I hope you have had a great year with the Mrs. and all your elfin companions.  This is Kathleen.  I am 41 years old this year and, by all accounts, have been very good.  I have been honest and worked hard all year for myself and my family.  I even got a promotion at work!  Sometimes, I forget how great my life is and my feelings get hurt.  And then, sometimes, when my feelings are hurt, I am not very nice to those that I love and cherish.  I wish I didn’t do that.  I wish I was happy all of the time and everyone knew it.  So, this year, all I really want for Christmas is to TRULY BELIEVE I am whole, safe and loved. That is all – Wholeness, Safety and Love.  Thanks, Santa – if anyone can get this for me, I know you can.  ;o)  Love, Kathleen

P.S.  If you happen to have a really cool black leather designer handbag that perfectly fits my style and personality, I’ll take that, too…

Nearly a month

/ autumncircles / Leave a comment

It’s been nearly a month since I last posted – thank goodness I am using the free version of wordpress!

It’s not that I don’t think about writing in here, it’s just that I have somehow gotten lost again. My life fills up with so many daily things that I chose to perceive as more important or burdens or tiresome, that I leave out time for the things I need to do in order to keep my soul creating.

There are many things that fill my days that I am blessed to have – mainly my family. I love my kids and being with them. What drags me down is the constant need to wake-up, get breakfast, get ready, work, pick-up, make dinner, clean dishes, force bedtime, veg-out. The variety in my day is lacking a bit and I have come to a place in my life where I believe I only draw into my life experiences those life experiences that confirm the life experiences I focus on.

The challenge is to break the cycle of misperception about my life experiences that I focus on.

The truth is that waking up every day is an amazing event. I have air in my lungs, I have sunlight in my eyes, and I have the opportunity to enjoy my life anew – every morning I wake up.

Today I wore contacts for the very first time in my life EVER. I was only allowed to wear them for six hours until my eyes get used to having a foreign body on them, but it was wonderful. For the first time in my memorable history, I could see all around in clear focus. With glasses since kindergarten, my world vision has always been framed – literally. There is no such thing as clear, peripheral vision with glasses – everything beyond the edges of the frames is blurry. It was something I never really thought about until I decided to try a new way, one with 360 degrees of sight.

Not only is that the truth, but it is exactly how I have been living my life. I have put frames around everything I see, do, think, touch, feel – making it impossible to experience clarity outside of those limitations. I never understood that was how I have been living my life because I had not tried any other way.

Until now. I have removed some of the frames that bound areas of my life. I am trying a little more each day to loose more old frames and look all around me to see the perfect reality that I am blessed to live in.

It is quite an experience in-and-of-itself – allowing me to see my life for what it is and loving every minute of it.

Another Day

/ autumncircles / Leave a comment

It was another day of fighting the urge to join the negative voices and beliefs.

Imagine you knew a person who spent over a decade working in jobs she didn’t necessarily like or have a connection with as far as alignment with her life’s purpose. Then imagine that she finally searched deep within to find the resolve that she deserved to be happy the way her soul had intended when it picked this life. Once she began to believe that, she found small ways to live that. Those small ways began to build and grow into larger life altering changes to keep herself in synch with her true nature.

Finally this person took a leap of faith and changed from a job to a career – risking financial ruin and marital emotional breakdown. Her faith was strong and although finances and relationships were challenging, she stayed the course and all played out to survivable results. Basic financial needs continued to be met and the marriage came out stronger for having weathered the commitment.

After beginning to relax into this new faith-filled and faith-received life style, this person developed a new level of confidence and trust in the universe. She began to believe that it truly is all or nothing. She realized and began living that it couldn’t be that the universe coordinated one event to the exception of another. All that happened was exactly what was supposed to happen.

All that happens is exactly what is supposed to happen.

Then, changes she did not pray for and seek spiritual guidance to achieve began to occur. The career she had begun putting more faith in than the life purpose came under dire threat. The reality that the career may shift, morph, alter or down right go away was beginning to become clearer and clearer. This caused her to be afraid, very afraid, of what might happen to her. Again, it was more of a fear of losing what she had come to perceive as what her purpose was.

Then, thank goodness, the universe continued to reveal exactly what it is supposed to reveal.

This person heard her best friend tell a story about her life purpose without having any idea it that it was actually reminding our heroine of her own.

You see, years ago, before she lost the belief that it was okay to express what was in you heart even if it sounded hokey, this person would tell anyone who listened what she believed she could achieve in this life with the gifts and talents she had been given. It wasn’t ever fame and fortune, although that is what most of her friends wanted. It wasn’t ever high exaltation and ultimate praise, which is what was expected for those on her chosen path.

It was simply to touch another’s heart and help them experience this life with some sort of connection with another just like them – human.

Today, although it is painful to look at the reality that the career I have tried to develop over the last two years may revise itself into something I have no idea about, at the end of the day, I have to remember that the career isn’t my life’s purpose. Writing this blog isn’t my life’s purpose. Even raising my children isn’t my life’s purpose. They are all simply things I do in this life.

My life’s purpose is simply to share this universe with the other parts of my self and honor our connection by remembering peace in every step.

If I can remember that, I will not have to struggle with anything that happens.