Upon considering Breakfast…

January 27, 2009January 27, 2009 / autumncircles / 1 Comment

Don’t we all have some Holly Golightly in us? The incessant race to get away from ourselves into the imagined person we want to be? Running away from love to find more misery and reason to run instead of staying where we can find comfort and joy? Is it the fear of not finding that comfort and joy to be enough that keeps us on the run? What if we were to find the love of our lives to not be all that we had ever been told to dream? Or the happiness we are taught to spend a lifetime searching for to be a let down when we arrive there? Better to run from misery to misery, right, they never disappoint do they? Sadness and despair are determined to not fail at their success. But love and happiness – we have tricked our minds and hearts to believe they may not be real or lasting. Do we ever believe the same about despair? We all to often convince ourselves we will NEVER feel different, that we will always feel miserable. What if we could swap out that same old fucking formula? Trade out misery for happiness? Keep sadness at bay rather than joy?

As deeply as pain can grip a hold of our hearts so can contentment and peace because they are our true selves. We are born happy, unmarred, innocent souls with a treasure trove of laughter and acceptance and oneness. It is only as we are aged by grownup time that we begin to filter out our original nature and retain the fear we are taught.

I did not know I was afraid of the dark until someone brought fear into my darkness. I did not know how to be sad until it was told to me that must be why I cry. I recognize this now that I have children with whom I have unknowingly taught fear much like it was taught to me. That can be the only explanation for a grown woman to be afraid of a smile so all encompassing that it could lift me off the ground into the waiting arms of my spirit who unconditionally loves every molecule I am made of.

Should we never fear anything? No. Should we accept all that exists in our lives? No. Is it always up to us to find our happiness? Yes. Is this where the limits of my capabilities to stretch beyond this concept end? Yes, for now.

I allow the din of many other voices to crowd my heart until it may burst into a million pieces.

I must let go to allow the symphony of the fugue fill my being until it pulsates with the life force that maintains its beauty.

But sometimes, I foget how to get to Tiffany’s…

Why does it have to be?

January 21, 2009 / autumncircles / 2 Comments

I heard someone ask on Inauguration Day “why does it always have to be about race?”

Hmm.

Let me think about that for a second.

[At this point, imagine a runner at the starting line with an Olympic-style torch. The gun goes off and she begins to run very fast towards giant soap box that she is about to set ablaze.]

Deep cleansing breath.

IMHO:

Well, if we ever have forty-three black presidents in a row who won’t stop talking about what it means to be a person of color elected to the highest office in the land, maybe I’ll ask that same question.

Or, if it hadn’t only been a mere few generations ago where one color enslaved another color in our country, I might wonder why the infamous “card” keeps getting played.

If there were not still people alive today who survived being segregated, kept back from a decent education or job, held out of restrooms, bus seats and restaurants, and seen loved ones hanging from a tree, then perhaps I would lean on the side of caution when bringing up my color.

Or, if there wasn’t still discrimination, bias and prejudice that either silently or overtly exists in the hearts of so many – I could possibly be persuaded to think it is inappropriate to discuss the triumph of the “first time in history” type of election.

The tables are not turned where white in this country has had to endure what black has. The tide has not yet fully receded on hate and bigotry. And the thought that someone who has not had ancestors kidnapped, sold and enslaved, or parents and grandparents beaten or looked over because of the color of their skin, simply refuses to see yesterday as one of the most historical moments in defining our country’s history – totally baffles me.

It would be like a man saying to a woman, “Look, I know I have never physically given birth to a child but would you stop sharing your bodily trials and triumphs after having one? Even if it is your first?”

Would parents who only have healthy, living children dare to say to parents who have lost a child that even though they can only imagine what they must be feeling, could they please stop bringing it up because it makes them uncomfortable?

Is that what it is? Because it makes some people uncomfortable and not want to remember or acknowledge the truth of our not so distant history? Is there some deeply recessed shame that some feel for knowing what happened was wrong and instead of bringing it into the light of day where we can deal with it and heal, want to squash it deep down where it only comes out in tasteless jokes, inept interactions with others who are different, or worse? Much worse?

I want to remember. I want to acknowledge the painful past mistakes our country has committed so that we don’t ever repeat them. EVER. Does that mean I want to live in the past and make all of my decisions based on how our country used to be? No. I want our country to move forward as one people, one nation, under whatever God (or not) we believe in.

When it came time to pull the now proverbial lever on who I thought best suited for the job as President, I compared beliefs, records and policies. I did not have skin color or religion or even genitalia in my list of criterion. My vote was for who I believed to be the right person for the right job at the right time.

And, as it turns out, I am extremely happy with my choice and the opportunities President Obama gives all of us.

[The soap box flames have dwindled to a small smolder now. The flames are not so hot, but lingering coals and plenty of oxygen promise its rebirth on another day, another topic.]

BTW – would there have been no less mention, discussion or celebration had a WOMAN been inaugurated as President?

I know I will cry just as much, praise just as long and celebrate just as hard the first time we finally, finally elect the next right person for the job of President who also happens to be a woman.