Don’t we all have some Holly Golightly in us? The incessant race to get away from ourselves into the imagined person we want to be? Running away from love to find more misery and reason to run instead of staying where we can find comfort and joy? Is it the fear of not finding that comfort and joy to be enough that keeps us on the run? What if we were to find the love of our lives to not be all that we had ever been told to dream? Or the happiness we are taught to spend a lifetime searching for to be a let down when we arrive there? Better to run from misery to misery, right, they never disappoint do they? Sadness and despair are determined to not fail at their success. But love and happiness – we have tricked our minds and hearts to believe they may not be real or lasting. Do we ever believe the same about despair? We all to often convince ourselves we will NEVER feel different, that we will always feel miserable. What if we could swap out that same old fucking formula? Trade out misery for happiness? Keep sadness at bay rather than joy?
As deeply as pain can grip a hold of our hearts so can contentment and peace because they are our true selves. We are born happy, unmarred, innocent souls with a treasure trove of laughter and acceptance and oneness. It is only as we are aged by grownup time that we begin to filter out our original nature and retain the fear we are taught.
I did not know I was afraid of the dark until someone brought fear into my darkness. I did not know how to be sad until it was told to me that must be why I cry. I recognize this now that I have children with whom I have unknowingly taught fear much like it was taught to me. That can be the only explanation for a grown woman to be afraid of a smile so all encompassing that it could lift me off the ground into the waiting arms of my spirit who unconditionally loves every molecule I am made of.
Should we never fear anything? No. Should we accept all that exists in our lives? No. Is it always up to us to find our happiness? Yes. Is this where the limits of my capabilities to stretch beyond this concept end? Yes, for now.
I allow the din of many other voices to crowd my heart until it may burst into a million pieces.
I must let go to allow the symphony of the fugue fill my being until it pulsates with the life force that maintains its beauty.
But sometimes, I foget how to get to Tiffany’s…