Bits and pieces of starts and stops

In an effort to clear out the clutter of my blog files, here are some blogs I thought I would write with some new added commentary…not quite like a rerun show to fill the void of actual new creativity, but close…peace…

Public Defender minus one…
July 31, 2009

That’s me. Always has been…

    A friend recently told me that I would defend anyone, anything – that I was that “good.” I wanted to write about that since I certainly don’t feel very “good” these days, but couldn’t find the thread to keep it going. I am the great public defender without a law degree. I do want to make sure and find something redeemable in most folks. I try and since I cannot seem to keep my mouth shut, I usually let everyone know my feelings and/or thoughts on the matter. I cannot even sit in a sanctioned relationship venting session without first giving a disclaimer about all of the “good” things about it…I need to give myself a break and stop taking on the world’s issues. However, in my own defense …

Some Random Thoughts About Friendship
April 2, 2009

I am blessed. I always have just the right amount of friends – enough to fill my heart with joy, belly with laughter or kleenex box when the tears flow – but not too many that I forget any names or start looking for characteristics to cull.

And, as it should be, the number never, ever goes down. The faces may change or the time together may shift, but true friendships never die.

Not that you asked for my not-so-scientific research, here are my random thoughts about friendship that prove they are everlasting and indeed …

    Not sure why I couldn’t keep this thread going and am vague on why it got started. I have some shifting relationships with women friends and growing phases with the main male friend I am married to. I have recently become acquainted with many new friends and become friends with some that I had previously only viewed as acquaintances. I have become keenly aware that I want to be better friends with my siblings and yet I let time, distance and daily routines prevent that. I have let slide the friendship I have with myself and am looking to revitalize it. I cannot be loved by anyone else unless I love myself first and I have slid into an extremely judgment place against myself and where I “should” be, what I “should” look like or what I “should” be doing.
    Mostly, I wanted to say that I trust in the friendships I have – whatever state they are in. I believe in the power of honesty to strengthen them, even if I have not practiced my beliefs to the best of my abilities. I cannot imagine my life without the friends I have. I cannot imagine my life without making many more friends as I travel whatever path is in store for me.

Best version of myself
March 23, 2009

Sometimes I hear messages in the oddest of places.

    I did end up writing about this in a way – it was the quote from CSI: NY. It was a voice from the dreaded TV that made an impact on me when I was down.
    I have recently begun a new exercise program and am training for a half marathon. Have no freaking clue why I am doing it other than my friends are and I want to be in shape and live until I’m over a hundred. In reading and learning about it, there are many schools of thought on reaching personal bests. I am not an “est” person – never have been. I am not the fastest runner in the world and even though I may be close, I’m pretty sure I am not the slowest either. I have never been the prettiest girl in the room, never been the ugliest, certainly have never been the thinnest nor the fattest. As I bemoaned the other day, I am no where near the best singer and even though I love to act, know that there are many who are better. Unfortunately, I couldn’t be pegged to be known as the happiest woman around but I don’t really think I am the saddest either.
    Seriously, I could go on for pages about the “ests” I am not but I always thought I was honest.
    Turns out, I am not that either. At least, not like I want to be – like I had thought I was striving to be. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t keep the money when over paid in change at the cash register. I let folks know when they forgot to charge me for something. I tell my kids the truth as much as I can when they ask questions given their age and appropriateness of response. I tell anyone who asks that yes, I am forty-one and weigh about 138ish on a 5’5″ frame. My hair is not naturally curly and I would love to buy some boobs if I had the disposable income.
    These things are easy to be honest about.
    It’s the rest of the murkiness that lies beneath the seemingly calm or clear surface that is not.
    So, I have taken to lying. Mostly, I say I am fine when I am not. Even in situations where I have the safety to be honest.
    I compose my inner workings here for you to read and secretly waffle between hoping I will be found out or I will remain in cloaked anonymity.
    Is this my personal best? Do I want more from myself and my life?
    Am I willing to take the risks to get there?
    Have no freaking clue.
    Now that is being honest…

I have been absent. Here is my written excuse.

Not sure if anyone noticed.

Including myself.

I have been absent.

From this blog.

From my writing.

I am not sure where I have been.

Or where I am going.

I am not sure if my journey is creating me.

Or if I am creating a journey for myself.

I could list out all of the many things I have been doing instead of writing.

It wouldn’t change the fact that I haven’t been writing.

It’s not that I haven’t felt like writing.

It’s that I haven’t felt like writing.

I haven’t felt like I had anything comprehendible to write about.

Like now.

“Too much information running through my brain
Too much information driving me insane
Too much information running through my brain
Too much information driving me insane”

I am brain-full.

In fact, it is in overload it is so full.

I am learning so very much.

About who I am.

What I like.

What I don’t like.

What I can do that I always thought I couldn’t.

What I don’t have to do that I always thought I should.

What I want to do and have been reluctant to believe I would.

What I don’t want to do and have been hard pressed to quit.

I’ve discovered musical artists new to me, muscles I didn’t believe I had, endorphins I wasn’t sure worked anymore, new friends, old friends and the wonder and assistance of pharmacology along with downsides I am not willing to accept.

I have also discovered that don’t have a clue how deep my lack of knowledge about myself goes.

“Overkill, overview
Over my dead body
Over me, over you
Over everybody”

Beauty inhales me, beauty escapes me. I live my moments in alternating abject confusion and comfortable understanding. My soul tugs at my body to keep moving in this direction and my body subtly tries to get me to turn back, go another way and lay down. I have a thirst for knowing, learning and being. My eyes well to the brim with baptismal tears more often out of youthful joy yet spill over in aged sorrow.

Love surrounds me, enfolds me and holds my hands securely until the blood flow shuts down to my extremities. There is so much, so varied, so important and none of it mine. Love belongs to the universe and I try with every breath to let it flow through me – I want to experience it, I want to share it, I want to love it.

Some breaths succeed.

Some breaths fail.

And I go missing…

Nancy Drew, Cheetos and My Little Girl

It’s been a while since I’ve written. Anything.

I am not able to focus lately.

I am not able to focus now.

I wanted to check-in with myself out here.

Life is full. Life is good. Life is Life.

There are days when I stare out the window of the car and wonder about the path of the unknown humans that pass by.

There are so many of us.

So many lives being lived.

I wonder if others recognize the awe —

Oh, who am I kidding?! I am trying to force-write something poignant and romantic about the beauty of life.

In reality, I am sitting at home on the Fourth of July with my daughter who is running a fever. Our boys -hubby and son – are off at a family gathering full of swimming, fireworks and fun. We could not go.

We watched Nancy Drew.

I ate some Cheetos, then we ordered Chinese.

She is feeling okay except for the fever.

I am feeling sorry for us.

Now is not the time to inflict you with insincere attempts to create something earth shattering.

Now is the time to paint some toenails, suck on some ice pops and enjoy the solitude with my Little Girl.

I’ll light my way through the black hole another day.