personal

I have been absent. Here is my written excuse.

/ autumncircles / 1 Comment

Not sure if anyone noticed.

Including myself.

I have been absent.

From this blog.

From my writing.

I am not sure where I have been.

Or where I am going.

I am not sure if my journey is creating me.

Or if I am creating a journey for myself.

I could list out all of the many things I have been doing instead of writing.

It wouldn’t change the fact that I haven’t been writing.

It’s not that I haven’t felt like writing.

It’s that I haven’t felt like writing.

I haven’t felt like I had anything comprehendible to write about.

Like now.

“Too much information running through my brain
Too much information driving me insane
Too much information running through my brain
Too much information driving me insane”

I am brain-full.

In fact, it is in overload it is so full.

I am learning so very much.

About who I am.

What I like.

What I don’t like.

What I can do that I always thought I couldn’t.

What I don’t have to do that I always thought I should.

What I want to do and have been reluctant to believe I would.

What I don’t want to do and have been hard pressed to quit.

I’ve discovered musical artists new to me, muscles I didn’t believe I had, endorphins I wasn’t sure worked anymore, new friends, old friends and the wonder and assistance of pharmacology along with downsides I am not willing to accept.

I have also discovered that don’t have a clue how deep my lack of knowledge about myself goes.

“Overkill, overview
Over my dead body
Over me, over you
Over everybody”

Beauty inhales me, beauty escapes me. I live my moments in alternating abject confusion and comfortable understanding. My soul tugs at my body to keep moving in this direction and my body subtly tries to get me to turn back, go another way and lay down. I have a thirst for knowing, learning and being. My eyes well to the brim with baptismal tears more often out of youthful joy yet spill over in aged sorrow.

Love surrounds me, enfolds me and holds my hands securely until the blood flow shuts down to my extremities. There is so much, so varied, so important and none of it mine. Love belongs to the universe and I try with every breath to let it flow through me – I want to experience it, I want to share it, I want to love it.

Some breaths succeed.

Some breaths fail.

And I go missing…

I will write today!

/ autumncircles / Leave a comment

A bird flies high overhead with its wings stretched wide and strong. It glides on the air with ease and grace. It has been traveling a considerable distance without touching the ground and lets nothing distract it from its journey.

I assume it does not get weary.

I assume it is not tired.

I assume flight is easy.

For a bird.

As the bird becomes nothing more than a deep black spec among the clouds, it does not occur to me that it might struggle to stay aloft in the wind. My mind skips over the idea of birds on the ground for nourishment and rest. There is no chance a bird would ever want to be anything other than itself.

Birds take flight above the chaos.

Birds soar where I can only dream.

Birds reach near the stars and never look back.

It has no time to pause and wonder what it is like to be me.

Lucky bird…

Nancy Drew, Cheetos and My Little Girl

/ autumncircles / 2 Comments

It’s been a while since I’ve written. Anything.

I am not able to focus lately.

I am not able to focus now.

I wanted to check-in with myself out here.

Life is full. Life is good. Life is Life.

There are days when I stare out the window of the car and wonder about the path of the unknown humans that pass by.

There are so many of us.

So many lives being lived.

I wonder if others recognize the awe —

Oh, who am I kidding?! I am trying to force-write something poignant and romantic about the beauty of life.

In reality, I am sitting at home on the Fourth of July with my daughter who is running a fever. Our boys -hubby and son – are off at a family gathering full of swimming, fireworks and fun. We could not go.

We watched Nancy Drew.

I ate some Cheetos, then we ordered Chinese.

She is feeling okay except for the fever.

I am feeling sorry for us.

Now is not the time to inflict you with insincere attempts to create something earth shattering.

Now is the time to paint some toenails, suck on some ice pops and enjoy the solitude with my Little Girl.

I’ll light my way through the black hole another day.