Inside my brain, the hamster is working its wheel. There’s nothing dramatic in the cage currently – it is simply full and spinning. Every effort I make to stop and take note of some part of it reveals another stash of pellets for me to consider.
Maybe a hamster isn’t the best analogy. For one, I don’t feel very rodent-like. And two, it’s much too cliche for my attempt at writing a new angle blog.
Let’s start over.
Inside my skull, the beta swims quick loops around its small tank. The same pebbles and plastic greenery are still there with each passing turn. The water fills my lungs and yet I need to surface for air and food which often gets lost in the constant circling.
Ugh. Nope – fish out of water also too over done.
Lion at the zoo in a too small habitat? Caged bird that is afraid it cannot sing? Sisyphus on a treadmill of stones? Random sock lost in the dryer that keeps spinning on high heat? Durang’s George dressed as Mother Courage thrust onstage in what appears to be Charlie’s Angels but with Jerry Matthers as the elusive Harvey the rabbit? Frog in a blender on pulse? Tiny worker ant confined to its own mound of dirt pining for the greater universe?
Clearly, I could go on and on trying to describe what it feels like to be me in my life without ever actually writing about the actualities of my existence. And, currently, all of the comparisons seem to point to me feeling a bit too routine, too ordinary – too normal. While at the same time, almost too timid to express these longings for fear of losing the infinite blessings that fill my cage/tank/habitat/universe.
So, I write it down. Or, I think about writing it down but trip on my way to the computer trying to make the words come out perfectly the first time. Or, I deem the laundry more important. Or, the checkbook balancing act. Or, internet surfing under the guise of trying to find an interesting subject to kick start my next blog.
Today the life of Kathleen involves the remaining chores to get the house in order before going back to work and school on Monday, getting our son over to/back from a friend’s house to play for a while, making sure the other child is entertained as she gets jealous when he gets to out, grocery shopping, outdoor Christmas lights down and put away, cleaning my home desk area, clipping the dog’s nails, watching some football without the Cowboys, craig’s listing two ellipticals we no longer want, and checking to make sure my kids don’t have lice after spending a week with their cousin who did.
See? I sound like I’m whining when I should be grateful to have these two beautiful children, or a marriage and relationship that has lasted nearly eighteen years, or a home to clean that’ s not in foreclosure, or money to buy groceries. I AM GRATEFUL – every day of my life, I am grateful.
I am also human. A human woman who is now 41 who life far exceeds any dreams I could have ever had as a child as to what family meant or even what it meant to grow up.
So, I know the universe loves and accepts me when the contented routines of each day get paused as I walk through a day-dream of adventure in my own Kath-Bourne Identity traveling the globe fighting terrorism in search of my true past self under the guise of being a worldwide respected actor onstage in her own works sharing an ethereal connection with Sting carrying my Nobel Poetry and Peace prize in the back pocket of my size six jeans.