Bits and pieces of starts and stops

/ autumncircles / 1 Comment

In an effort to clear out the clutter of my blog files, here are some blogs I thought I would write with some new added commentary…not quite like a rerun show to fill the void of actual new creativity, but close…peace…

Public Defender minus one…
July 31, 2009

That’s me. Always has been…

    A friend recently told me that I would defend anyone, anything – that I was that “good.” I wanted to write about that since I certainly don’t feel very “good” these days, but couldn’t find the thread to keep it going. I am the great public defender without a law degree. I do want to make sure and find something redeemable in most folks. I try and since I cannot seem to keep my mouth shut, I usually let everyone know my feelings and/or thoughts on the matter. I cannot even sit in a sanctioned relationship venting session without first giving a disclaimer about all of the “good” things about it…I need to give myself a break and stop taking on the world’s issues. However, in my own defense …

Some Random Thoughts About Friendship
April 2, 2009

I am blessed. I always have just the right amount of friends – enough to fill my heart with joy, belly with laughter or kleenex box when the tears flow – but not too many that I forget any names or start looking for characteristics to cull.

And, as it should be, the number never, ever goes down. The faces may change or the time together may shift, but true friendships never die.

Not that you asked for my not-so-scientific research, here are my random thoughts about friendship that prove they are everlasting and indeed …

    Not sure why I couldn’t keep this thread going and am vague on why it got started. I have some shifting relationships with women friends and growing phases with the main male friend I am married to. I have recently become acquainted with many new friends and become friends with some that I had previously only viewed as acquaintances. I have become keenly aware that I want to be better friends with my siblings and yet I let time, distance and daily routines prevent that. I have let slide the friendship I have with myself and am looking to revitalize it. I cannot be loved by anyone else unless I love myself first and I have slid into an extremely judgment place against myself and where I “should” be, what I “should” look like or what I “should” be doing.
    Mostly, I wanted to say that I trust in the friendships I have – whatever state they are in. I believe in the power of honesty to strengthen them, even if I have not practiced my beliefs to the best of my abilities. I cannot imagine my life without the friends I have. I cannot imagine my life without making many more friends as I travel whatever path is in store for me.

Best version of myself
March 23, 2009

Sometimes I hear messages in the oddest of places.

    I did end up writing about this in a way – it was the quote from CSI: NY. It was a voice from the dreaded TV that made an impact on me when I was down.
    I have recently begun a new exercise program and am training for a half marathon. Have no freaking clue why I am doing it other than my friends are and I want to be in shape and live until I’m over a hundred. In reading and learning about it, there are many schools of thought on reaching personal bests. I am not an “est” person – never have been. I am not the fastest runner in the world and even though I may be close, I’m pretty sure I am not the slowest either. I have never been the prettiest girl in the room, never been the ugliest, certainly have never been the thinnest nor the fattest. As I bemoaned the other day, I am no where near the best singer and even though I love to act, know that there are many who are better. Unfortunately, I couldn’t be pegged to be known as the happiest woman around but I don’t really think I am the saddest either.
    Seriously, I could go on for pages about the “ests” I am not but I always thought I was honest.
    Turns out, I am not that either. At least, not like I want to be – like I had thought I was striving to be. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t keep the money when over paid in change at the cash register. I let folks know when they forgot to charge me for something. I tell my kids the truth as much as I can when they ask questions given their age and appropriateness of response. I tell anyone who asks that yes, I am forty-one and weigh about 138ish on a 5’5″ frame. My hair is not naturally curly and I would love to buy some boobs if I had the disposable income.
    These things are easy to be honest about.
    It’s the rest of the murkiness that lies beneath the seemingly calm or clear surface that is not.
    So, I have taken to lying. Mostly, I say I am fine when I am not. Even in situations where I have the safety to be honest.
    I compose my inner workings here for you to read and secretly waffle between hoping I will be found out or I will remain in cloaked anonymity.
    Is this my personal best? Do I want more from myself and my life?
    Yes.
    Am I willing to take the risks to get there?
    Have no freaking clue.
    Now that is being honest…

So, it’s official…

/ autumncircles / 2 Comments

Now I know out loud what I feared the worst inside.

Not earth-shattering news. Not life changing.

Certainly not assumed as much after all these years.

Not even really a big deal.

Really.

Except to me.

When we want so very much, in the deep recesses of our soul, to pour it out and fill it up by whatever means necessary  – it can be achingly painful when some of us are not capable of whatever means we choose.

I have moved in someone else’s world and spoken someone else’s words in the deafening silence brought forth by two simple curtains parting to ignite the eternal human back to the shaman’s fire.

I hope to do that again someday.

With my own words, too.

I believe I can on occasion somehow split those demon-fire joyful dimensions happening inside me down to an understandable linguistic form and quite possibly create something beyond my own understanding.

I hope to do it again, only simpler.

And again, only more complex.

And again, only different.

Until I have nothing left of this body.

Until many bodies beyond.

I am a human by day.

I am a writer by soul.

I am a performer by desire.

No, I don’t think I can dance.

Although, that would be simply wonderful.

But I oh-so-very-much wished I could sing.

I am not telling you this to get pity. And, I have the proof, although I have been unable to convert the video to a format uploadabe, so no trying to placate me with that ole familiar “oh, sure you can!” smile on your face.

I am telling you this because that’s what I do.

Telling is what I am.

No need to mention it again, actually.

I will survive.

And very loudly whilst alone in my car, I might add…

Oh, I’m sitting here singing the where-did-I-go blues

/ autumncircles / 1 Comment

there lurks a shadow in the distance
a thick black shape huddled behind a wall
solid brick mortared of earth and steel
unmoving impenetrable and built for war
a battle waged by antithetically heroic deeds
selfishly seeking shelter from flaming shrapnel
stealthily laying mines around the foundation
once thought to be weak prior to reinforcements
proven to be formidable beneath fault lines
separating miles beneath the false crust
to the red hot molten core
where there lurks a shadow

Some days I wonder where I’ve gone.

I have that not-so-out-of-body experience and see myself being grown-up and responsible, holding down a great job I love doing; talking openly and honestly with my spouse and children freely trusting in our mutual love and path with each other; and taking care of myself through healthy exercise, sleep and consistent creative efforts. I look at that woman and think, who the hell is she? When did I become her? Where did that terrified girl afraid to speak up, speak out and speak from within go? How did she turn into this other woman I barely recognize? I intuitively love and admire her which swells more of the same deep within my ribcage to create a celestial cycle of cultivation.

No sooner has my out-of-body self returned to its home, do I look back in anger as I see myself again in the lonely position of feeling abandoned, isolated and unsure of all the gifts the woman of the first part surely cherishes and sustains. I question my every move, sabotage my relationships, health and capabilities. I stop writing. I stop talking authentically. I stop sleeping soundly. I stare at that woman and think, who the fuck is this now?! Where the hell did the other one go? What in the bastardly blazes happened to chase off the supposedly cool and collected one leaving this puny bitch in her place? I immediately loathe and despise her destroying any chance of reasonably apparent reconciliation with my other true self.

That’s the pain wherein the wandering wonder woman that I am often finds myself. I am both truly the confident, self-loving soul of the created universe AND the whimpering, self-abhorrent object of the limited ego.

It can be difficult to embrace such a super-sized, double-wide trailer of a woman sometimes.

Unfortunately, them some times is now.